Prepare or party for doomsday

-By James Soriano (www.mb.com.ph)

There are many possible scenarios for the end of the world this coming December 21, 2012.
After this date, a mere fraction of a percentage of humanity is expected to survive. That is a mere 327 days from now, and yet our own government still insists on paying attention to issues such as overpopulation and reproductive health when there is a more pressing issue — namely, the extinction of the human race — at stake.

Unfortunately, this is but a small part of a 2012ologyglobal conspiracy by governments, big businessmen and other elites around the world to keep it a secret. Therefore, it is necessary for us to be proactive in our preparations to prevent our own demise.

However, there are certain obstacles which severely hamper our chances of success. I suspect that almost all of us do not have the necessary 100 billion euros necessary to secure a ticket to any of the six state-of-the-art arks covertly being constructed in the Himalayas, not to mention the additional hundred billion per additional family member we wish to bring along. Even if we did, it is notoriously difficult to get across the border without our own personal planes, sports cars, friends from a nearby Tibetan village and, barring all of these, a special dispensation from Beijing.

Thus, if we want to secure the best possible chances of survival for ourselves, our loved ones and our bloodlines, it is best to be prepared for anything and, given limited resources, to be as creative and resourceful as possible in these efforts. Thankfully, these qualities are to be found in abundance among our people.

Nevertheless, it is useful to note the possible scenarios in which doomsday will play out, and to list down certain tips or to-dos to ensure we are well-prepared. Fortunately, the leading authorities of our time in pseudoscience, entertainment, and business have proposed a few major theories on the apocalypse event; these theories should be as much a part of the academic curriculum of students as the Big Bang is, given their significance and implications for the fate of mankind.

But first, let us review some basic tips in preparing for the apocalypse event and life in the post-apocalyptic world.

• Start stocking up on essential goods such as food, water, oxygen, gas masks, and magazines for entertainment. (It is likely that there will be a blackout after Dec. 21.) As early as three years ago, serving the needs of 2012ologists has become a lucrative industry. If you have not yet started stockpiling canned goods, dehydrated foods, and gallons of mineral water, it is not yet too late.

• It is also advisable to take out as many loans as possible to invest in the building of underground shelters, which should keep you safe in most doomsday scenarios. Do not worry about your ability to pay later on. By the time Dec. 21 finishes, there will be no more banks to pay.

• In case you have a car, it is recommended that it be parked in an underground parking facility on the night of the 20th. This way, you are self-sufficient in transportation in most post-apocalyptic scenarios save the great flood. This is important considering that public transportation is likely to be extremely unreliable after the apocalypse event. If one relies on public transportation to get to places every day, it is best to invest in a bicycle (sidecars optional), or to start walking to more places to build stamina. This has the double effect of being friendly to the environment.

• Lastly, make sure to stock up on all sorts of weapons and tools: guns, ammunition, screwdrivers, lock picks. When the stockpile of essential goods runs out, these will be useful for raiding abandoned warehouses and 7Elevens; hopefully it will not be necessary to raid the shelters of your neighbors.

Great flood scenario

Arguably the most well-known scenario, given the blockbuster success of Roland Emmerich’s historic film, is the great flood. Most of the world’s landmass is likely to be submerged under several feet of ocean when this happens.

• It is necessary to secure sufficient supplies of oxygen and water bottles; water will be in abundance in this scenario. Make sure to waterproof all electronics and appliances.

• It is also necessary to invest in a wet suit and basic lessons in swimming and snorkeling.

• Building a crude submarine out of the car and other scrap metals (to lessen costs) is also advisable. Otherwise, start making friends with people who have yachts or Badjao relatives, if not Badjaos themselves.

• For an enjoyable apocalypse, one might also want to buy an inflatable raft, set it up at the desired location on the morning of the 21st, and ride it when the tide comes in.

Earth will get hit by a meteor

• It is best to stock up on sunglasses, jackets, hooded coats, umbrellas, wool socks, boots, swimming trunks and bathing suits so as to be prepared for any kind of weather.

• For some of us it might be best to start losing weight. As the fall of the dinosaurs demonstrated, any organism weighing 60 kg or greater will surely be obliterated.

• It might help to pray that the meteor does not fall where you live.

Zombie outbreak

For a comprehensive guide on survival in a post-apocalyptic zombie world, read the “Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks, available at any National Bookstore, Fully Booked, or PowerBooks near you. Collision with another planet

This scenario is advanced by many online proponents, most notably Nancy Lieder who was telepathically told by aliens from the star Zeta Reticuli that a planet named Nibiru will collide with the Earth that day, causing the geomagnetic poles of the earth to shift and wiping out mankind in the process. According to Lieder, Nibiru is at least four times as large as the earth, and is inhabited by sentient beings identified with Sumerian deities called the Annunaki.

It is therefore best to learn about Nibiru and its inhabitants: their language, culture and customs. Vacation tips around the planet should be organized with the unique weather and seasons of the planet in mind.

Consulting with intergalactic travel agents is highly recommended. This way, we might be able to enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of this strange new world.

At the end of the day, it is necessary first and foremost to accept the reality that our chances of survival are very slim. Should this disillusion you and cloud your vision with hopeless despair, it is best to stop sulking and suppress thoughts of committing suicide.

Instead you must, as countless have said, party like it’s the end of the world.